Obsession

I am obsessed with being organized. Or am I trying to organize my obsession?

I log what I eat, when I eat, where I eat, how much I eat and why I eat. But here is the thing.  Shhhh...sometimes I catch myself lying to the paper with my purple pen. I only had 10 pita chips, har har har. Who am I kidding?  My hips don't lie...but my mind mouth does, and my purple pen does.

I weigh myself naked after my shower, after I eat, after I shit and a million times in between. It is neatly logged on a tiny post-it on the mirror. There's no lying to the post-it.  The scale is right there and she'll see you. I have graphs and charts, and they don't lie.  Just me.  And the damn purple pen.

I take my measurements weekly, same place, same time, same tape. Again, log, graph, analyze, cry. I look to the bathroom mirror for affirmation and conformation of the numbers on the tape. But she is the biggest liar of them all. She sometimes tells me I am beautiful and strong. I walk with an extra bounce to my step on those occasions. But alas she is a liar. I pass myself in window and am mocked by what I see, what I thought I saw in my lying bathroom mirror. For a while I don't trust her. I am diligent and strong, organizing, logging, measuring, losing. But she is like a mean girl, she sucks you in with promises of beauty, popularity and thinness. Happiness. Then she stabs you in the back. Lies, deceit and tears. Hate.

I know who does not lie. My thighs. The rub together and let me know the truth. This truth sometimes hurts too. I am surprise I do not smell bacon when I run. My stomach does not lie either. She is jiggly and jolly, buldgey and bumpy. I am glad she is happy, the rest of us are not.

Well I might be fat, but I am not stoopid stupid. I see the writing on the wall, the 411, the dealy-o. The liar in the mirror the lying purple pen...they are me. I am the liar. I think lying has kept me joyless fat. I need to stop fibbing and tell the truth.  The truth shall set me free. But guess what? I can't handle the truth. I am cowardly, fat liar.